Friday, February 02, 2007

B & Q JOB APPLICATION

My friend Clair sent this joke to me, honestly she has the most amazing collection of jokes on this earth, and I always ending choking on my coffee or nearly peeing myself laughing.

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, Make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of Stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, Would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel Who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Haa haa, nearly fell off my chair at the Readers Digest bit. so funny.

So what have I done today, well today is my Wedding Anniversary and my Darling Husband, or the Pressure cooker idiot as I sometimes call him, is taking me out for a meal and booze, yahoo.

Had the day off, been lazy, had lunch at our local greasy spoon, and I loved it, yum yum, pottered about the house, read a bit, went out to visit a friend who needed a hug and thats been it, Oh no, I lie, me and Ben went swimming, it was nice to spend an hour with him catching up with all his gossip, when he is out of the house and the usual environment, he really opens up, I'm so proud of my boy, he is handsome, tall, strong, sensitive, but most of all he is all mine.

this weekend, sees me up to my knees in CJ entries, I've fallen behind, again. I have card group on Saturday so I'll do some there, and then on Sunday, I'm going over to Heathers to let her see some class kits, etc and to do some more CJ's, for some reason when the two of us are together we are so productive.

Well thats me for now, off to spend time with Ben, and get ready for my night on the town, catch you all later. xxx Kissy Wissy's to you all.

5 comments:

scrapdolly said...

I love this - very very funny

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!!

Can't wait to see you and I hope the workmen are behaving MWHA xx

Anonymous said...

hiya
just been catching up with what you have been doing. Love the pics on heathers blog.Must really try and learn how to take a half decent pic. Good work with the prep for your retreat classes - takes ages doesn't it cutting everything but makes it so much easier for those taking part(will be doing mine next week for sarahs retreat).Love the jokes
julie x

Linda said...

Happy anniversary, hope you both had a great time. Good luck with the workmen. Loved the B & Q thing, so funny.

Angela said...

Glad you had a great time!
Fab joke