Sunday, August 17, 2008

I am a walking feast

for Midges that is, the little buggers have had a field day with me, they have taken nibbles out of my face, neck, arms, hands and legs, I even have one on my bum.... no idea how that little so and so got in their. I have just returned from the most amazing holiday I have ever had in Scotland.

Me and Ben along with his godmother Janet and Uncle Dave have all been to Wester Ross, for a week of glorious sunshine. I kid you not, the sun shone ever day, except for Friday, when it rained in the morning. We have spent hours on beaches that look like they belong in the indian ocean, we have a little tan to show off, and we are so chilled out.

I got to see my good friend Anne and her adorable hubby Iain, we ate like pigs and slept like logs.

However, I now have to wash a mountain of dirty clothes, unpack quite a lot of stuff and get Ben all organised for his return to School tomorrow.

Yahoo, the school holidays are over, well at least for a short while, before you know it half term will be upon us.

I'm knackered so its only a short post tonight, and I'm sorry, no jokes, however I have come back to an inbox bursting at the seams with jokes galore from my pals, so I shall be back with some funnies soon.

If anybody out their knows of a cure to stop the itching, please let me know, so far we have exhausted boots the chemist of all their bite cures, used tea tree oil and salvon, and still no relief is to be found, I'm off to mix up some bicarbonate of soda now and calamine lotion.

Take care of yourselves.

xxx mwahahahahahahahaha xxxx

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Ladies Night

Last Saturday I went to the races, Hamilton Park Racecourse had a Ladies Night and Lesley Anne and I went along. We got all dolled up and even went as far as to wear a hat, well Lesley Anne wore a hat, I wore a flamengo, hee hee. Now I'm not a gambler, I can't understand the need to throw my money away after a nag, but I did join in the spirit and bet on every nag I could find, unfortunately no bookmaker would take any money off me for Lesley Anne, ha ha. Only joking LA if you reading this.

We had a great time, and I never got home till the very early hours, sporting two massive blisters and a gash on the top of my foot that I have no idea how I got.

We left the races after Hue and Cry had played. Yes you read that right, Hue and Cry 'looking for Linda' poor blokes still have not found her. We met some guys that I know and had a giggle with them, and even had a dance. Oh get us, what are we like. However after one of them had guessed my age at been 40, I made a hasty exit. We ended up at a private party with a few footy players. Don't ask me how, neither I or LA can explain that one.

After a while we got bored, they are not all they cracked up to be, and we jumped into a taxi. LA went home, me I went to the local nightclub, though I never made it in, its one of those that has a large courtyard area out the front where all the smokers stand and chat away, I never made it beyond that point, actually more to do with the fact that I don't think I could have danced with the stupid shoes I had on.

In the end I jumped into a taxi for the safey of home, phew what a relief to get those shoes off.

Here is a pic of Lesley Anne in her hat, wicked witch got more compliments than me, however I do have to say, she looked stunning.

Sorry about the quality of the pic, but it was taken on my phone. I do have a pic of me, but LA took it and its on my phone and I can't figure out how to get it onto my pc, I'm ok with pics I've taken, but pics anybody send me, seems my phone likes to eat them, bloody thing.

Anyway we had a great day and night, and I'm sure we will be doing it again soon, Officer and a Gentleman night is coming up soon, Yahoo.

Joke of the day time, enjoy.

How to give a cat a pill.

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

Take care of yourselves. mwahahahahahahahaha

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Today was a big day.

Two things where meant to happen, unfortunately only one did, the other one went completely the wrong way. Don't you just hate it when that happens. kinda takes the shine of the other one that did go the right way.

I hope your all enjoying this lovely rain.............. What the hell is that all about, its bloody summer for christs sake, where is the sun. Whoever is holding it ransom, please let us know the cost to release it, I'll gladly chip in.

Me and Ben are slowly coming back down to earth after our recent visit from Suzanne and the tribe. We love having them come to stay with us, just a shame that the weather was poo pants. Unfortunately Suzanne took not well whilst she was here, and that kinda was not fun for anybody, but lest of all Suzanne, who become quite familiar with my toilet bowl. Poor darling, fingers crossed though, after some loving and hugs, and my terrible sense of humour she seems to be on the mend again.

As soon as Suzanne and the tribe left, my godchildren arrived for an overnight visit, I adore my godchildren to pieces, and usually take hundreds of pics of them, but this time, I took not one, instead we just messed about together, relaxed, told jokes and had a good old giggle. I do love been the chilled out Aunt for them. They run wild when they are here, and they are allowed to. That's why the love it so much. Their parents probably hate me for it, but hey, I'm not releasing the title of cool aunt for anybody. I worked bloody hard for it, and I'm keeping it. hee hee.

Anyway, thats it, I'll leave you with a joke of the day from my adorable god-daughter, Natascha.

Enjoy. mwahahahhahahahaha

Monday, August 04, 2008

A true Australian Ghost story...

Joke of the Day...............

Believe it or not - you judge.....

This story happened a while ago in Sydney, and even though it sounds
Like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
Hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
Could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly
Coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
Thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise
There was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
Approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
Just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
Turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand
Repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so,
Gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of
Breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
Horrible experience he had just experienced.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and
?... Wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John,
Were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford
Sobbing at the bar, one said to the other,
'Look, Bruce?? There's that F******** idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.'

Hee hee, thanks Natalie, I loved it.

Take Care of yourselves.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Tis must be Oscar Season ??????

Honestly I think it must be, as I've received two of the most amazing awards you could hope to come across.

First one is from Cal and is The Wylde Women award. The Wylde Women award was devised by Tammy Vitale, she created it specially for Women. It can be passed on to one person or a hundred. To receive the award all you have to do is be Generous (for instance with your ideas or time) towards other crafters.
Please go and visit Tammy's blogs, she creates the most amazing pieces of artwork, that are unique, inspiring and inspirational. And she does links to the most amazing blogs.

Now I get to pick somebody to pass this onto, so I am going to pass this onto somebody who's work I admire so much, I adore this person and am so glad to have her as one of my friends. I present the Wylde Women Award to Kate. Kate qualifies for this award as she is an amazing Photographer, not your scrapbooking kinda of photography, more documentary style, I am honoured to say, I even own some of her artwork, and its my most treasured item in the house, if I have a fire, you can bet I'll be grabbing those pics of the wall before I grab my scrapbooks. She is so generous with her time and knowledge, and if you get a chance to tail her around a city, please do so, she will make you see things you would never have noticed without her to guide your eyes.

Second award has come from Maggie.

It's a special award given to weblogs that somehow catch your eye!

The rules for this award are as follows:

1. The winner can put the logo on her blog.
2. Link the person you received your award from.
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.
4. Put links of those blogs on yours.
5. Leave a message on the blogs of the girls you've nominated

I am going to nominate the following people whose blogs I love: Cal, Suzanne, Kirsty and Sarah.

How lucky am I, I have the most amazing friends and am honoured to know the most talented people on the planet. Girls I wubs you all.

Take care of yourselves, and I'll be back soon with a proper update and jokes.