Thursday, July 24, 2008

Great Day out

Last Saturday saw me and Clare rise from our pit slightly later than expected, (see the video below for a full explaination)

Once dressed and ready, we set off for a cardiac arrest breakfast/brunch at the local cottage cafe.
I know I should not confess to this, but this is my idea of heaven on a plate. I don't have it often, but when I do, ummmmmmhhhhhhhh yum yum.
Once suitable re-fuelled and hangover dulling down, we set off for a day out at the Safari Park. Clare had celebrated her birthday the weekend before, and this was our first opportunity to mark the occassion.

We pulled up at the gates of Blair Drummond and asked for 2 big kid tickets please, yes, you can see where this is going.
Once inside the park, we thought we would get the fun stuff over with first, so monkey island here we come.
Along the way, we spotted a few animals, nothing of interest though, till we came across this rare breed.
Cute Boy......................
Clare insisted I take a pic as she rather fancied him.

Then is was off to Lemur Land, where I must point out, we did not spot one bloody lemur.
Pedal boats came next, after a long winded promise to not rock the boat, blah blah was made by me. hee hee, like I would ever do that to anybody.

OMG, where did that double chin come from, I'm gonna blame that on the camera angle, etc, etc. I would like to draw your attention at this point to our lovely fresh complexions, and the massive circle of spots of my nose, ahhhhhhhhhhhh, chocolate face masks are pointless.

The day continued along the same silly theme, we took in the sealion show, and then had a go on this............

Which resulted in lots of this.

Anybody got a Tena lady handy?????

Clare ended the day at the park by taking a snap of some eye candy I had spotted, if only I had a longer lense on my camera we might have actually been able to see him. Its the one in the baseball cap, he was very very very cute, picture does not do him any justice... Shame really.

When we got home, we cracked open some wine (well we needed to top up from the night before) and we settled down to watch 'A wonderful life', Yes I hear you all screaming, its a Christmas movie, but somebody at work had told Clare all about it, and she insisted on watching it. Actually its one of those movies that is ok anytime of the year.
Well after a weekend like that, you can understand why I'm only just blogging about it now, its taken all week to recover. I now have a misplaced hernia from laughing so hard and a standing order with Tena lady.
I'll come back at some point and fill you in on the rest of whats happening.
Till then I'll leave you with my Joke of the day:
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs The warmth of my body will warm them up."He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." . . . . . . . . . . . .
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies,
"They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

Sunday, July 20, 2008


Did we really do that video, OMG, what where we like.

Well the next day, we both woke up as fresh as daisy's (not) at midday, not a great start, hee hee.

Although the night before we had washed off the masks, Clare said my face was very very brown, and had I read the instructions correctly. Once my eyes where able to focus, Clare's face was also rather brown.............. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................ panic........................ run to bathroom for deeper examination...............

Yep, we are def. browner.

After much scrubbing, phew, back to normal, well if you can call very red skin normal, our browness has left us and is now living on my hand towels.

Note to self, do not do face mask when drunk, especially not a chocolate one.

So, I hear you all ask, do we look years younger. Well our skin did feel much softer, however I have a pimple the size of a small island on the end of my nose, so I'm not that impressed.

I'm glad you all enjoyed our little video, Cal, I will kill you though, next time I see you for sending people over to look, it was only suppose to be my friends that come and visit, I've had over 100 visitors in two days, that never happens here.

Anyway, far to tired out to do a joke today, but I'll do one tomorrow.

Take care of yourselves.


Friday, July 18, 2008

Two Girls + Lots of Booze =


Here is the joke of the day love from us. Mwahahahahahahahahah

Take care of yourselves. See you tomorrow when we are sober and regretful.xxxx

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Saturday, July 12, 2008

A Fairy Tale

This fairy tale should have been read to us girls when we were little:

Once upon a time in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: ' Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry

and set up house In your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children, Walk my dog And attend to my every need
forever you will feel grateful and happy doing so. '

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she sipped her chilled
crisp wine

and thought to herself: I don't f**in' think so.

Thanks Nat, you owe me a new screen, this one is covered in coffee, again.

Take care of yourselves, Mwahahahhahahahahahahaha

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Wanna Go to to LA.

Well why not come with me then, I'm off in October, quick detour via Crewe first though, umhhhhhhhhhhhh actually think we might just stop their, I know this amazing hotel, its ****4 Stars, can you believe that, has the most amazing spa area, (I'll be the one lay on the massage table), a PGA golf course if you fancy that sort of thing, me personally, nope, can't hit a golf ball to save my life, am likely to cause serious injury to anybody stood within a 20 foot radius, as my club will surely leave my hand and hit you on the head.

But better than all that, it has an amazing room, that is set out just for scrappers, so we can scrap all weekend.

So go on, you know you wanna come along and join in the fun, email me if you wanna come or visit the website for all the info on it.

Joke of the day, comes from a friend at work.

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old

canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from

copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,

pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the

first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the

subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies

for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery

where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked

vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R !

We missed the R !

We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...


Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Train Ticket

A great joke from one of my bestest pals, Liza T. I luvs you babes...


Three women and three men are travelling by train to the rugby match.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

Friday, July 04, 2008

Such a Happy Ending.....

This is another one from Natalie, thanks Nat, this is great.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could

Think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the

Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty

words and all that...""You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Why Women need catalogues

I got this in an email from one of the girls that is coming to the Luxurious Angels Scrapbooking Experience, and I honestly have not laughed so hard in .... Well probably hours, cause I do laugh alot.
Thanks Natalie, you made me almost pee my pants.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Man of the house

This joke had me wiping coffee off my screen, sent from my friend Jane. Thanks Jane, any idea how I get coffee out of my nostrils.


The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE
THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this

house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,

and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous

dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will

have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will

wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will

massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me

and comb my hair?

'The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.