Monday, November 17, 2008

Not much to report

Have had a fairly relaxing week, pottering about at home with Ben, and we have had the most self indulgent weekend where we never left the house, so I'm afraid to say I have no news. But then you do get the old saying, no news is good news.

I do have the funniest thing to share with you though, I was emailed this today at work, and could not stop my laughter from bubbling over for all to hear, which considering it was all blokes in my office today, I could not explain the joke to them at all.

This is definitely a woman thing For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don't will never make this mistake.

Better go pee before you read this. This Is by far one of the funniest things I have ever read.

Hair Removal... (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but...WHAT A RIOT!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of Easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the Wax. Read on........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, Play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel then apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right! ) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the Skin round it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPP P!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!! !

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's No hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself

'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may Pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can Stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax Should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!! !*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! ! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?' She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works !!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Heaven is a place on earth..........

............ Called Lower Croasdale Farm.

I have just spent the most relaxing and productive weekend that I've ever had.

I was away with a group of friends and we hired the farmhouse for the weekend, set off on Friday morning and met up with the girls in Penrith, where we had a bite of lunch and did some shopping, then it was off to the Farm.

I swear to god, I want to live there, for ever and ever, it is so remote yet so idyllic, it was also massive inside and plenty of room for us to spread out and scrap to our hearts content. I have to admit to becoming a scrapping monster for the whole weekend, I managed to make almost 100 cards, 5.5 layouts (yes I'm counting the half one that is still ongoing) and also a present for a friend which is basically a double layout, I can't tell you more till have completed another one and posted them to the said friend (wink wink)
The girls all left Sunday afternoon, but the farm was rented till Monday so I stayed on another night with another one of the girls, well did not see the point in driving home in the miserable wet weather which was rapidly turning dark, and I had booked the day off work especially so I could take my time. Which meant I got to stay and scrap longer, yahooooooooooooooo.
I've driven home today and unpacked everything, which let me tell you is not like me at all, I usually just dump everything in my craft room, shut the door and ignore it for a week or so. But I really feel like my mojo is back. I've even scrapped tonight, ahhhhhhhhhh shock horror I hear you all cry. Yep, there was a challenge over on UKS using a sketch and I whipped out my stash and played away. I have taken a picture of the layout, but the light is poo pants and I had to crack the ISO right up, so its not that great, I will take a better picture during the day light at some point over the week and share with you all.
Tomorrow its back to work, but at least it will be a short week. I am trying to get my flexi hours right up, so that I can take another day off in a few weeks and get another lovely long weekend.
Anyway, not much else to report, so I'll leave you with a joke. This is a bit rude so if you don't like that sort of thing, I suggest you leave now. Joke is courtesy of Natalie, thanks Nat, you are a star for keeping me in Jokes.


A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except ... the Voodoo Penis !'
The husband said 'The what' ? The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo !'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door !'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box !' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me .'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right ... Voodoo Penis, my ass . !'

The rest, as they say is... History!!!